Break Down

This may sound really aweful to say I had a break down, but I think it was a much needed thing. It isn't good to hold things inside, when things bother you. And now I feel better.

My roommate Noa desided to have a birthday party. I have to say I was very impressed because lets just say she isn't the most organized person on the planet. Everyone did a little to help out. Two of her cousins came, her sister, Lerone, and then some volunteers from here. It was a really hot day as suddenly the weather has changed sharply to heat. And you know how it is, for the first few days it is a shock to the body (I have been drinking over 3 liters of water a day, and think sweating out every drop of it)

So, we were sitting around, the BBQ was warming up. The cousins knew that a few of us were learning Hebrew but understood, so they could talk freely. And Lerone turns to me asks me a question about me staying in Tel Aviv after the army tests on Wednesday. She asked it in Hebrew. And I said, "repeat it." She said it again, and as my usual self I was translating and repeated what I thought she said, "you... want to know...am I, could I??.."

And Noa's female cousin says, "I thought you knew Hebrew!?"
I say, "I didn't understand, and I told her to say it again."
She said, "You just said before you understood. I don't understand you have been here a long time."

And I really tried to stuff it. I said, "I have a hard time." And a few people chimed in: yeah you know it is hard here because we all hear almost only English. But she will be starting the army soon.

But by then I started to cry. And the cousin could see that she had hurt me. And she said," I'm sorry. It seems I said something wrong." And there I was starting to cry in front of everyone and I just excused myself and went and cried in the bathroom till I was good and ready to come out.

Now back up a minute. I can tell you that learning has sometimes been a great sensitive subject for me. I have grown up with an older brother who excelled in school for many years. And a younger brother who slide by with decent grades most of his acedemic career really without studying. I shudder to think how brilliant he could be if he put in more effort. And me who had always had to struggle and study to get good grades. I never excelled in my music or in running although I loved both of them. My one great triumph was with photography, in my opinion.

And also I my head, I think, "Wow Ben was in Germany for one year and can speak the language basically fluently, and here I am almost at the one year mark and I get by."

I know statics show what with most Americans that move to Israel it takes 2 and a half years to speak the language, where as most other immigrants can speak fluently in 1 and a half. But still eventhough I know all this, it still is a thorn in my side that I am so far away from speaking well.

Thank goodness Noa wasn't there when the whole thing happened, but when I came back of course my face was all puffy and red and my eyes were blood shot. And for a while she wouldn't leave me alone, "what happened? what happened? Did you get a bad phone call?"

I didn't want to ruin her party after all. Later that night I told the cousin that I am a sensitive person and my language barrior is a sensitive subject. And she said, "I am sorry I should have known better, I too am a very senstive person." She has stuggled with Anerexia almost her whole life. So I can imagine how her self-esteem must be. We were able to kiss goodbye and I am sure I may one day see her in the future.

But she is not the first person to say this type of thing and it is a very big blow to the ego and self esteem. If you are trying to do something, the worst thing to hear is that you are doing the something badly.

So the moral of the story, stop holding things inside when they bother you, and think of others feelings before you open your mouth. And I will keep studying my words.